Throwback Thursday: I’m in a Non-caring Relationship with the World

I’m in a Non-caring Relationship with the World

I’m in a non-caring relationship with the world.
They don’t care too much about me.
I don’t care too much about them.

I guess that’s a little sad.

But we don’t hate each other.
We only sort of know the other exists.
Actually, whenever we speak, we’re usually nice to each other.

If we speak.

We don’t care if the other cares.
I guess we’re okay without each other.
If we weren’t, wouldn’t it hurt to not speak?

But sometimes it does hurt.

Or at least, it hurts me.
Maybe only me.

Not enough, I guess.
We don’t get any closer each day.
Sometimes I even forget about our relationship.
I’m sure they forget, too.
Because we still don’t speak much.

And I can’t help but wonder.
Will we ever care?

I guess I do care a little.

But what can I do?
What if I try to get closer?

What if they still don’t care?

Maybe I’m okay on my own.
They don’t seem to need me.
I think I’m alright without them.
We can continue our non-caring relationship.
For a little longer, at least.

There are days I’m not okay.
Those days I wish they cared.

I feel a little selfish.

Why would they care?
I’ve never cared back.

I guess that’s not true.
I guess I do care.
Care if they care, at least.

But that’s not enough to end our non-caring relationship.
I move past those days.
They seem fine, too.
We speak, sometimes.
I think I pay more attention.
I think I look forward to those times we speak.

I don’t know if they do.
I want to think they do.

Maybe they feel the same.
Stuck.
We’re only pretending we don’t care.
Or don’t hurt.
When really we want to care and be cared about.

But we’ll keep doing the same things.

Talking nicely.
Forgetting and remembering.
Pretending we’re alright with our non-caring relationship.

Featured image: Jerry Fodor at English Wikipedia [CC BY 2.5, GFDL or CC-BY-SA-3.0]

lost

lost
looking in the mirror too closely
i lost sight of myself
i thought, familiar
but looking closer, no
a separate being
one foreign
i fear how unknown
i’ve become to myself

(Don’t stare at your reflection for too long when you’re depressed. Or even normally. It can be frankly terrifying.)

To: My Light

A poem to all the people in my life who shine just by being who they are.
A poem to me as well, to remind myself that I have a light within me, too.

|To: My Light|
You couldn’t see it
But we did
I don’t think light can see itself
Only other lights
.Or shadows
We saw it
And it drove out the shadows inside us
We can sing again
But you couldn’t see them
.The shadows before you arrived
You heard us singing
And cried at the beauty of it
Not knowing
It was because of you
.For you
Let our light
Shine over you too
.You aren’t in the dark like you think

Throwback Thursday- ‘Quiet Calls Me’

Quiet Calls Me
When all that waits for me is noise
The silence seems so peaceful.
When all that waits for me is brightness
The darkness seems so calm.
When all that waits for me is clamor
Solitude seems like bliss.

I have smiled, laughed, and chatted
Through all my day today.
Today has been a good day,
But when it comes towards its close
I want an end in a quiet way.
One simple step outside the hubbub, and
I suddenly realize
How much I need to be alone.

It’s not because I’m hurting,
Not because I’m sad.
It’s not that I’m tired of others,
I only need a moment.
It’s simply that there’s a side of me
The relishes the quiet and calm.

That step outside has led me
To a silent, dark lone room,
Where suddenly all thoughts flee
Except that of solitude.
I cast a glance behind me
To the place where I ought to be,
Where friendly faces gather,
Waiting patiently for me.

I need this moment – I feel it –
But I cannot simply vanish
Into my sweet solitude.
My friends would wait and wonder,
If I were to stay,
And the thought would haunt me.

So I pull back, reluctantly,
Though the quiet calls me so,
And return to the world
Of noise, color, clamor.
And now my smile may seem tired,
My laugh a little strained,
My conversation diminished
– Now I seem overall drained.

It’s because I’ve made a sacrifice,
Though no one may ever know.
I’ve given up on sweet solitude
To return to friends once more.
My being longs for quiet,
But here I am again.

The silence seems so peaceful,
The darkness so calm.
With all that waits for me,
Solitude seems like bliss.
Oh that I could enjoy it!
Oh that I could ignore
The calls of outside duty!
– But no, I will not today.

(From an undated sheet of notebook paper, likely 2014 or 2015. I leave old poems largely unedited, to preserve how they reflect my style and my self at the time of their composition.)

Throwback Thursday- ‘What does it mean/To be Brave?’

What does it mean
To be Brave?

Is it great Courage,
Never fearing the Grave?
Is it going on Adventures,
Leaving the Safety Home ensures?
Is it fighting many Enemies,
Bringing them to their knees?

Is it all of those,
Or perhaps not at all?

What does it mean
To be Brave?

Is it hiding your Fear
To protect those near?
Is it a Smile,
In face of a Trial?
Is it simply standing
For Truth, though it may sting?

Is it all of this,
Or perhaps so much more?

What does it mean
To be Brave?

(This untitled poem was inspired by two characters I had created for a roleplay in 2013.)

Throwback Thursday- ‘Autumn in the Air’

Each Thursday I will share a poem written before 2018. I will provide the year and context when possible. In honor of autumn, now in full, here is ‘Autumn in the Air,’ written in 2014:

Autumn in the Air
Ah! Autumn!
You never fail to bring me
Joy, wonder, quiet pleasure.
Your cool air touches my skin;
I shiver, and breathe in
Your smell, ever so slightly musty,
Refreshing most of all.
Warm inside, just under the skin,
While cool breezes turn
My cheeks pink.
Oh, my favorite season;
September, and the heat fades,
Autumn coming!
Year and year pass,
God brings you back again
To me.
What is it that draws me so
To September, October, November?
Ah, breathe in!
-Autumn’s charm is in the air.